Il sostegno alla “vergogna di fondo” come ground della resilienza.

resilience2ok

Quali sono gli ostacoli che possono in qualche modo interrompere o rallentare il processo del perdono e il percorso di pacificazione?
Entrare nella relazione con i sensi aperti significa, per la PdG, dare sostegno ai vissuti di vergogna che ognuno dei due partner porta con sé. Quello della vergogna è un linguaggio segreto, fatto di tutti i segreti non consapevoli, sottili e profondi, che attingono alla stessa energia che ci attrae verso l’altro. Questo è l’elemento nascosto nelle dinamiche relazionali, è «Il linguaggio segreto dell’intimità, con le sue componenti legate alla vergogna e all’appartenenza» (Lee, 2009, p. 31) . L’esperienza della vergogna è sempre un tentativo di protezione, all’interno di un contesto relazionale, essa custodisce un prezioso codice dei nostri desideri e bisogni auto percepiti, la vergogna ci dà infatti delle informazioni sul nostro modo di percepire il campo relazionale in cui ci troviamo, la capacità e l’intenzione altrui di accoglierci, ci dice del desiderio di raggiungere l’altro e della profonda paura che l’altro non ci accolga: «La vergogna agisce aiutandoci a tirarci indietro, perché sentiamo che il campo non accoglierà il nostro desiderio profondo» (Lee, 2009, p.38)[1].
Quante volte l’incapacità di perdonare è legata al timore che l’altro possa non accogliere il significato ed il valore del nostro gesto! La possibilità di radicarsi su relazioni all’interno delle quali le nostre paure e le nostre vergogne sono state accolte, ci consentono di accedere più facilmente all’esperienza del perdonare e del perdonarci, ci fanno sentire persone amabili capaci di amare, ci danno la forza e il coraggio di accogliere, prima di tutto dentro di noi, quelle parti che, in tempi lontani, non sono state accolte e amate così come volevamo. La relazione che accoglie, infatti, è quella relazione che sa creare appartenenza – polarità opposta alla vergogna – dentro la quale è stato possibile esplorare i nostri bisogni relazionali fondamentali. «È l’esperienza dell’accoglimento e della vicinanza che ci fa sentire che questo è il mio/nostro mondo. (…) Ogni esperienza umana è in qualche modo una combinazione di queste due esperienze e proprio in questo consiste il linguaggio segreto dell’intimità» (Lee, 2009, p.38-41). Secondo l’autore, all’interno di ogni campo relazionale, siamo di volta in volta impegnati, a seconda delle risorse e delle condizioni personali, ad esprimerci attraverso i linguaggi e i comportamenti ora dell’appartenenza ora della vergogna.
Il terapeuta della Gestalt tiene conto del fatto che, ciò che fa da sfondo alla relazione terapeutica, è quella che Lee chiama la “vergogna di fondo” ovvero quel tipo di vergogna finalizzata a proteggerci e che si è sviluppata laddove si è fatta esperienza dell’impossibilità di vivere l’apertura, l’inclusione, la fiducia e il dialogo (Lee, 2009). Questo è ciò che è accaduto tutte le volte in cui l’ambiente non ha risposto ai nostri bisogni, tutte le volte in cui le persone del nostro ambiente primario non ci sono venute incontro o non ci hanno compreso (probabilmente per le proprie esperienze traumatiche e la mancanza precoce di accoglimento), per cui non si dispone di un sufficiente sostegno interno. Quindi la vergogna di fondo è un tipo di adattamento creativo che va sostenuto e integrato con altri tipi di sostegno che consentano alla persona di muoversi più liberamente e spontaneamente nel contatto con gli altri, promuovendo via via sempre più il linguaggio dell’appartenenza e dell’intimità.
«Ciò che fa male non è tanto il fatto di non essere capiti dall’altro nei contenuti della nostra esperienza, quanto piuttosto nei nostri tentativi di raggiungerlo, nella nostra intenzionalità di contatto significativo, potremmo anche dire di intimità» (Spagnuolo Lobb, 2011, p. 170). La paura è quella di non trovare l’altro lì dove vogliamo trovarlo, la paura che l’altro sia altrove, la paura che il desiderio di intimità venga frustrato e che si ripeta il fallimento sperimentato nelle relazioni significative: «L’altro è anche l’esperienza dello straniero che non capisce, delle braccia insicure che mantengono il nostro corpo all’erta, della casa rumorosa dove non è possibile riposare» (Spagnuolo Lobb, 2011, p. 171)… della casa disabitata in cui si ha paura di restare soli nonostante la presenza dell’altro.
Da ricerche fatte (Lee, 2009), sembra che ciò che sostiene coloro che si rapportano con gli altri attraverso il linguaggio dell’appartenenza, sono quelle persone che hanno sviluppato un maggior grado di sicurezza emotiva ovvero quelle che si sentono sufficientemente sicure da poter esprimere le preoccupazioni, i sentimenti, i desideri o i problemi più profondi. La sicurezza emotiva rende le persone più efficaci nell’istaurare relazioni intime soddisfacenti e nutrienti in quanto capaci di dar vita a relazioni nelle quali i partner sentono di essere reciprocamente importanti l’uno per l’altro, di essere maggiormente disponibili a prendersi cura dell’altro, di poter fare numerose piccole richieste di attenzione, di prestare reciprocamente sostegno in caso di conflitto e, aspetto essenziale, di volere riparare i danni dopo i conflitti. Diremmo in una parola che, tali persone, sono “resilienti” ovvero continuano a mantenere vivo l’interesse e l’attenzione per l’altro e per la vita in generale.
Ai fini del nostro lavoro, possiamo affermare, quindi, che il senso di sicurezza emotiva favorisce la resilienza e può essere recuperato attraverso l’esperire l’intimità all’interno di quelle relazioni di aiuto che, come la relazione psicoterapeutica, hanno un’alta valenza affettivo-emotiva di riconoscimento, di sostegno e di accoglienza. La relazione col proprio terapeuta permette, infatti, all’individuo di “riparare” alcune ferite che stanno alla base del proprio senso di vergogna, rendendo la persona capace di migliorare visibilmente la qualità delle proprie relazioni intime grazie all’interiorizzazione della componente riparativa e restaurativa insita in tale relazione.
Il sostegno delle relazioni significative sta quindi nell’aiutarci ad affrontare il rischio che le nostre paure possano essere concrete: paura e rischio creano la particolare vibrazione che caratterizza la tensione verso l’altro, nella speranza che questa volta sia una storia a lieto fine e sia nel frattempo cresciuta la nostra capacità di raggiungere l’altro nella piena consapevolezza, vedendolo così come veramente è e non come frutto delle nostre proiezioni di rifiuto.

Tratto dalla Tesi di Specializzazione in Psicoterapia della Gestalt
“La danza relazionale nell’esperienza risanatrice del perdono”
Dr.ssa Milena Dell’Aquila, 2014


[1] Lee R. G. (2009) Il linguaggio segreto dell’intimità. Un modello gestaltico per liberare il potere nascosto nelle relazioni di coppia. Milano: FrancoAngeli.
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